


If the Lord Don't Forgive Me

by cold_shadows



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Book 1, F/M, Ficlet, I think it's less than 500 words, Introspection, Outlander book, Season 1, it's really tiny, jamie pov, which is like unheard of for me, witch trial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:27:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26925082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cold_shadows/pseuds/cold_shadows
Summary: Jamie has some thoughts about his wife.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	If the Lord Don't Forgive Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hokay, so I know that it's 2020 and the first Outlander book has been out for nearly thirty years and everything, but I was having some Hozier-inspired feelings about Jamie. 
> 
> Mostly, what struck me is that Jamie is a God-fearing lifelong Good Catholic. To the point where he stays a virgin until marriage, even when he's a mercenary. Along that train of thought, it struck me that Jamie also whole-heartedly believes in hell. And that also means that he probably is really _scared_ of going to hell. And yet, he is totally and completely, 100% okay with going there if Claire is a witch, because she's his wife and he loves her. Like, that kind of ride-or-die devotion just totally blows my mind. So I had to write a fic about it, especially when Hozier has such good lyrics for a title. Speaking of which - the title comes from Hozier's "Work Song." 
> 
> This takes place right after they've escaped the mob at Cranesmuir, and Jamie asks Claire if she's a witch. In the book, I think the direct quote is something along the lines of, "I would have gone to the stake with you! And to hell beyond, if I must." I've sort of mixed the book and the show scene because I always picture the show, but I was really thinking of the line from the book when I wrote this.

_If the Lord don't forgive me  
I'd still have my baby  
and my babe would have me_

Claire sits on a log and chokes on her tears. She’s sobbing loud enough that a small part of Jamie is worried that someone will hear, but there’s no one around. Donas stands a few feet away, stomping his hooves and flaring his nostrils. He’s exhausted, Jamie notes, and then feels a surge of pride and gratitude for the horse. He had run all the way back from the hunting lodge and then carried both of them to safety after that. He truly was a fine horse.

“Sassenach,” Jamie murmurs, and steps forward to gently turn the torn flap of her stays away from the welts on her back. 

Her whole body flinches. 

One sharp, aborted movement, stabbing like a dagger into Jamie’s soul. He catches a glimpse of her arm, the bare scar that he’d skimmed over too many times to count. It’s faintly silver in the sunlight, puckered a little bit where it meets the rest of her skin. Geillis Duncan flashes in his mind’s eye, panicked and wild. She’d shown a scar just like Claire’s. 

“Sassenach,” Jamie says again, and this time, she looks at him, twisting a little bit to peer up through her tear-soaked eyelashes. Her golden eyes are dampened of all spirit; her skin is sallow and the deep bags beneath her eyes look closer to flowers. Snot marks her nose and her cheeks are blotchy. 

The sight breaks Jamie. He’d been trying to prepare himself, to draw back and retreat from Claire’s constant presence in his life, because a part of him knew that he wouldn’t be able to bear watching his wife get burned at the stake. He knew that he would have been expected to denounce her and their marriage, that he would have had to spit in her face and in the face of their love. 

If she truly is a witch, he should still do it, even if there is no lynch mob. 

But now he finds it impossible. She’s too buried in his bones, too wrapped around his heart. _Blood of my blood, bone of my bone,_ he thinks, as he cups her cheek. His hand encompasses her whole face, and he’s struck by just how _fragile_ she is. As brittle as porcelain. 

She leans into his touch, sniffling slightly, and his chest physically hurts. 

He’d never planned on marrying a witch, would have abhorred the idea if someone had told him of it, but now he cannot fathom his life without Claire in it. It’s just a blank in his mind—a solid black hole, swallowing up his thoughts. Desperation clenches his chest and he momentarily seizes in panic. 

_I nearly lost her today,_ he thinks, taking in her hunched form. _She could have died._

In no world would he allow Claire to die while he had breath in his lungs and life in his limbs. Witch or no, she is his wife, and what he had said to those examiners was true: he’d sworn, before his God, to protect and cherish this woman. He didn’t care if Claire cursed a thousand men; if she took the Devil himself into her bed. 

She is his wife and he loves her. And he would not leave her, come Hell or high water. 

James Fraser makes a decision right then, staring into Claire’s whisky-golden eyes. 

“Let me get ye something fer yer back, Claire,” he murmurs, and stands from the log.

**Author's Note:**

> When Jamie asks Claire if she's a witch, he already has prepared his answer to what would have happened if the mob had caught them. But the implication is that Jamie thinks that Claire is a witch, he's just confirming for posterity's sake. So this fic was really just me working through his initial reactions to the idea of Claire being a witch. I thought that his first instinctual withdrawal from the idea would be in deep contention with his love for her, and I wanted to explore how he reached the commitment of being okay with going to hell if his wife really is a witch.


End file.
